Having a child changes everyone. It’s something many of us look forward to, but I believe no one is really prepared for how much change is about to happen.

It was something I was looking forward to, then 2 times more, because after 5 months of getting bigger much faster than expected, we found out we were having twins!

I was Active Duty Air Force at the time and I read voraciously in preparation for their arrival. How to camp with twins, how to raise twins. I met with a few officer mentors in the Air Force on how they successfully navigated career and family. I wanted to be the perfect mom. I was going to teach our twins how to avoid all my mistakes, how to have self-esteem, we were going to shop together, hike together, it was going to be amazing, everything I didn’t have as a child, she (and he) were going to have.

They were born discordant, she was much smaller than he was, but all seemed normal. Then, she displayed feeding problems, constant crying, no sleeping, failure to thrive. At 9 months it was official, she was not going to be “normal” and a battery of genetic tests began, including Angelman’s Syndrome, Fragile X, Rhett’s Syndrome, and some I don’t remember.

I left the Air Force and transitioned to part-time Air Force Reserve to keep up with her medical appointments. Any thought of a “successful” Air Force career was done.

Through the years that followed, at least what I can remember of them, my marriage became strained, and we mentally separated way before our actual divorce in 2022.

At 8 years old, in 2013, she was finally diagnosed with a newly discovered gene anomaly, GRIN2B. Her official result was “de novo mutation of the GRIN2B gene.” Finally, an official name to the reason she would be a 9-12 month-old baby developmentally for the rest of her life.

There was no camping, no real vacations, no teaching my daughter how to look out for herself, no working out together, no prom dress, no arguing about when to wear too much makeup.

It was hard for me to take her out in public as she was very loud, vomited unpredictably, just attracted a lot of stares and I was very insecure and still wanted to look “successful.”

Finally, there came a time when I stopped trying to force-fit our life into the “normal and successful life.” When I finally looked around and accepted that “normal” is a definition in the dictionary. It doesn’t really exist in the human race. Success is not just a successful 9 to 5 Monday through Friday career, making a lot of money, retiring from the military at a high rank, putting straight-A kids through college on their way to a successful 9 to 5 Monday through Friday career, Disney World vacation every summer, etc.

It’s about doing what makes you happy, appreciating human life at every single level, getting out and experiencing everything our planet has to offer because she and I are 100% human and deserve to be here just as much as everyone else. Our happiness and success now don’t rely on being like everyone else. I’m completely happy when my daughter is happy, when I’m holding her in a rocking chair like I’ve been doing for the last 19 years, and she smiles with her entire face just because I’m with her.

We are on our own and we’re going to get out any and every way we can to enjoy ourselves while we are privileged to be on this earth. I’m finding ways to hike together, exercise together, shop together, and share experiences because we deserve to.

She doesn’t care about the quality of her toys, the designer of her clothes, the car her parents drive, or the way she looks to others. She’s happy to be in the company of any human who gives her a smile. And that’s what success is all about. Being happy to be really alive.